The Heaviness Engulfs Me

A heavy heart tonight. I won't go into details, just suffice it to say that I am grieving. I was led to a passage of Scripture when I got home that so fits whats going on. My faith has never been tested as now. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know what next week or beyond holds. But I do know that God holds it all in His Sovereign hand.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ...Though you have not seen Him, you love Him. Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

I'm ready to rejoice, without having to look over my shoulder.

I will confess - I am questioning everything in my life right now.  Ok, maybe not everything - as I don't have any doubts about my love for my incredibly patient and loving wife, Diana, or my love for my precious gifts from God - Anna and Selah. One other thing that I have absolutely no doubt about is my Savior's love for me. That being said - I am doubting pretty much each and every other part of my life. In the words of Thomas Payne in his epic The Crisis, penned in December 1776: "These are the times that try men's souls."

Another fact that I have no doubt about - is that there is a very real spiritual war going on, particularly in my own context. A war that has left me bruised and beaten, and near defeat. I have spoken both privately and publicly from the pulpit of "putting on the whole Armor of God". Boy are those far easier words to say, than instructions to actually follow! Yet it seems that my best efforts to "put on" this armor simply lead to more fights.  Further - there are "fiery darts" that are finding flesh in the "cracks" between the armor. It's my fault - I don't spend enough time with the "Sword of the Spirit - the Word of God".  I struggle with personal righteousness. The command to "pray at all times in the Spirit" sometimes gets shorted on the "all" part. And to be totally honest, I'm reaching and searching for the "peace" associated with the shoes related to the Gospel...

Indeed, in some ways - I am troubled down at the very deepest recesses of my heart and mind. Have some of Satan's darts not just found flesh, but found innermost parts?

Discouragement leading to despair is before me. But I just cannot look back. Jesus said to look back is to be unworthy of the Kingdom...

I am weak. I am broken. I'm not just far from perfect, I am at the bottom of the bottom. Yet the harder I try to climb up - the farther it seems I fall.

I now better understand what Romans 8:26 means... as my prayers seem to be so very lacking and insignificant. in fact, James 5:16 is causing me quite a bit of grief right now "...the effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." I feel neither particularly righteous nor do my prayers seem very effective these days.

I'm a great finger-pointer, yet I am reminded of the wise words I first heard from a dear friend who is already waiting for us in Heaven, "remember - when you point your finger at others, there are at least three fingers pointing back at you."

But all the finger pointing in the world, even if justified, does not take away my own responsibility for my failures and shortcomings (even when I'm unaware of them).

Something has to change. I'm not demanding that God "do something" - I am fairly certain He is "doing something", whether I see it or not. But something in my life is gong to have to change.

I am trying desperately to heed the words of Proverbs 3:5-6:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

     and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

     and He will make straight your paths.

Maybe (no - actually), the key is in the next two verses:

Be not wise in your own eyes;

     fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.

It will be healing to your flesh

     and refreshment to your bones.

I try to not think to highly of myself. In fact, another thing I have no doubt about - is my weakness and unworthiness. I try to combat evil in my life - seeking those things that are glorious to God and edifying to those around me.  Refreshment and healing?  Please...

I want to cry out to God the words of David in Psalm 51:

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

     and uphold me with a willing spirit...

But instead, I again feel more like the difficulty in prayer of Romans 8:26 - and I'm in need of the Spirit Himself interceding for me...

And any prayers the reader of this feels led to offer up - thank you.